No scandal too far-fetched for Bill and Hillary Clinton

     BY Linda Stasi

It’s hard to believe one couple can always be this close to so much corruption in one lifetime.

How is it possible that 676,000 Republicans are running for President while the Democrats can only only come up with one candidate? And that one has more scandals under her belt than a Clinton.

Oh wait, she is a Clinton.

Crazier still, just when you thought the worst had come out about the Clinton couple candidacy, three more bombs exploded this week. And some of them really are bombshells. Literally.

Not surprisingly, one bombshell involves Bill and a blond — a gorgeous, blond supermodel bombshell. Very surprisingly, the scandal doesn’t involve sex. But not surprisingly, it does involve money. A lot of money.

On Friday, the New York Times revealed that Bill had actually rejected the solicitations of supermodel Petra Nemcova. No, not for doing the nasty, but it doesn’t mean he didn’t do something really nasty. The former Prez allegedly rejected an invitation from the model to accept an award from her charity, the Happy Hearts Fund — until it agreed to fork over $500,000 to the Bill, Hilary and Chelsea Clinton Foundation.

Nemcova, who barely survived the 2004 Indonesian tsunami and lost her boyfriend in the disaster, began the charity after she recovered from extensive injuries, in order to build schools in the ravaged country.

Surprisingly, Bill Clinton’s scandal with gorgeous blond Petra Nemcova doesn’t involve sex.

The “donation” from her charity to the Clintons’ charity cost, according to The Times, almost one-quarter of the event’s total proceeds.

Makes you kind of want to shower for the rest of your life, no?

Right. But don’t turn off the hot water just yet. The International Business Times reported earlier in the week that, under Hillary Clinton, the State Department managed to clear gigantic arms deals with 20 foreign countries worth $165 billion to countries that donated to the Bill, Hillary and Chelsea Foundation. In addition, $151 billion in Pentagon-brokered arms deals were approved to 16 countries such as Algeria, Saudia Arabia, Kuwait, United Arab Emirates, Oman and Qatar, who also were cleared “to buy cachés of American-made weapons” even as the department singled them out for a range of human-rights violations.

As in all things Clinton — how much money was donated to their foundation? Who knows? Maybe $54 million, maybe $141 million. What’s a hundred million bucks between friends – and Emirates?

No scandal is too far-fetched or too far for the long octopus tentacles of the Clintons. Their charity even received (again, who knows exactly how the hell much) between $50,000 and $100,000 from soccer’s corrupt governing body, FIFA! Bill was once honorary chairman of the bid committee to get the U.S. to host either the 2018 or 2022 World Cup. Sadly, we didn’t get it. Maybe he didn’t either. (A big enough donation, I mean.)

It’s almost impossible to believe that one couple can always be this close to so much corruption in one lifetime. Well, not without serving that lifetime in a federal lockup, that is.

But the Clintons prefer the White House to the big house.

CRYING POVERTY UNHOLY

Quick! Somebody call Pope Francis so he can spread the wealth to the Catholic school teachers who are joining the ranks of the poor even as the Archdiocese of New York spends like the Borgias.

Since 2011, under its Pathways to Excellence campaign, the archdiocese has closed 60 schools. Excellence? Really?

That move saved the archdiocese about $12 million and cost the teachers that much in lost salaries, according to the Federation of Catholic Teachers.

Meanwhile, the archdiocese has been leasing out the shuttered buildings, bringing in approximately $10 million annually, they say.

Austerity is one thing, but the renovations on St. Patrick’s Cathedral are estimated at $175 million! That’s a lot of collection basket donations.

As a famous fella once said, “Now you Pharisees clean the outside of the cup and of the dish, but inside you are full of greed and wickedness.”

EXPRESS LINES

Cuba Libre: On Friday, President Obama decided to finally take Cuba off the list of state sponsors of terrorism. Today, I am going to Cuba with the Cosmos soccer team.

If Cuba goes back on the bad list on Monday, I swear it’s not because of my dancing … Speed Limits: A multiuniversity study sponsored by the National Institute of Drug Abuse shows that potheads did more poorly on processing speed, among other tasks, than did nonusers.

You’re kidding. The thing is that a study done just a year ago at the University of Minnesota found that stoners had relatively better processing speed than nonindulgers. Processing speed? Like in a meth lab?

… Wacky Pataki: On Thursday, former Gov. George Pataki announced that he’s running for President. When “running for President” is put into Google Translate, it is interpreted as: “I want a cabinet position.”

Mariah Carey whined that “American Idol” was not just the worst experience of her life, but that it’s boring and fake.

DIVA DOWN UNDER

Mariah Carey appeared on Australian TV to dump on “American Idol,” which dumped her. Carey (above) says the show was not just the worst experience of her life (not to mention ours), but that it’s “boring and fake.”

While there to promote her album “#1 to Infinity,” Carey proved herself to be such an expert on fakes that she could work for Christies. That album cover, for example, has a photo of Mariah (would you call such an airbrushed extravaganza a photo?) that is so fake that Mariah has magically turned into Sofia Vergara — only better. If Kim Kardashian’s Photoshopped butt broke the Internet, Carey’s Photoshopped face broke Photoshop.

OH BABY, WHAT A MESS!

A woman was asked to leave a TEDWomen Conference on female empowerment because she brought her baby despite the no-kids policy. That alone was enough of an insult to drive the Internet and organizers insane. They vowed to right that horrible wrong immediately. First off, grownups read the rules before signing up for events, and secondly, grownup events are for grown-ups. God invented fathers, grandparents, friends and baby-sitters for a reason — to watch your kid so you can go enjoy grownup events.

Former House Speaker Dennis Hastert (r.) is accused of paying hush money to blackmailer to keep allegations of sexual abuse under wraps.

PINNED TO THE MAT

Trusting former House Speaker Dennis Hastert to teach your kids to wrestle turned out to be as dumb an idea as asking Charles Manson to teach kids to play guitar.

Hastert looks like every pervy child predator priest and pastor with his creepy, pasty skin, wavy white hair and benevolent grin. He’s like a walking pervy DNA warning sign.

Hastert’s former colleagues are giving him the benefit of the doubt despite his giant payoffs of hush money. The guy made 15 withdrawals of $50,0000 each after he stepped down. That’s a lot of cheddar, even for a Clinton. But then again, he became a D.C. lobbyist. For those guys that’s not even small Gorgonzola.